The people that have been in my life for the past 15 years, on a close level, would not be surprised if I were to make an announcement that at the ripe young age of 50 I’m pregnant. But, I am NOT pregnant. Having my first son at 40, my second at 42, a 4 week miscarriage at 43, a 6 week miscarriage at 44, and a devastating 10 week miscarriage at 45 – well – you can see why they would believe that news. By the way, the first 2 were planned and the last 3 were pleasant surprises. After 22 years of medically proven infertility, my body was healed and I was in the baby making business. Everyone stay calm! I am NOT pregnant, and we do not intend to get in the family way. Inhale, Exhale.

Recently our family has received some interesting medical diagnoses that left us in unchartered territory but supply us with an opportunity to apply Romans 8:28 (KJV) – “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” I’m up for the challenge of learning how to parent our children and their unique lives. What I’m up against is learning how to learn their needs when I’m dealing with my own surprise.

During our first son’s evaluation process and diagnosis of ADHD – Inattentive Type – I was asked if I had ADHD. Um, no. I would say if either parent had it, it would be my husband – but he hasn’t tested or been diagnosed. But that was dismissed as – research now shows that ADHD comes from the mother. So I had some research to do on my own. I found this amazing website: https://www.additudemag.com/ and as I was reading an article about Inattentive Type of ADHD – the research shows that while it isn’t a gender specific diagnosis – it does tend to show up in girls and women more often.

Still believing I don’t have ADHD I took the test specifically for women – here’s an article with the symptom checklist if you’d like to see it: https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/ Guess what? I scored 100% and felt like someone knew me…all of my deep secrets about feeling like a failure and overwhelmed. So, I printed out the checklist and took it to my doctor. One of the things that these articles about ADHD and women – stated that a lot of times they are misdiagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’ve been unsuccessfully treated for those things a time or two in the past 30+ years. I was also diagnosed with PTSD, a condition I developed thanks to life experiences and repercussions of poor choices in my teens and twenties. I have always felt like there was something just not right but struggled to “fake it ’til you make it” in life. That wasn’t going so well for me.

When I got to the doctor’s office, they gave me a test to take – it was the standard test that they give everyone – it doesn’t apply the same symptomology – but I also scored within range using it. https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/ And I gave my list to my doctor and we talked. The blog title is a bit misleading, my wonderful doctor did not sarcastically announce – “Congratulations, Mrs. Johnson! You have ADHD – Inattentive type!” but he did concur that it looks like we may have found our answer. And that should make it easy from here on out, right? I mean, a proper diagnosis, answer to so many questions, going from being misunderstood to understood? Ta-da! You’ve won a new car…(yes, sarcasm helps me cope). But it opened Pandora’s Box for me. All of my struggles in school from 2nd grade through high school. My inability to “fit in” – which isn’t just a grade school issue for me – it happens to me as an adult, it sucks. How weird is it that my 10 year old son and I take the exact same med for ADHD? But it also gives me more insight into his world, I’m grateful for this. I already have my own experience of elementary school – never knowing what page or problem we were on, being distracted by the sounds and other kids – OMGosh the ticking of that clock! Being hyperfocused on the areas of the chalkboard that the teacher swiped and missed – I couldn’t pay attention to where she moved on to because I needed the chalkboard cleaned perfectly…and of course, that never happened. My grades were terrible, I didn’t do assignments because I had no clue. Back in the 70’s the teachers were allowed to berate and make fun of students – I’m not saying they were encouraged to do so – I am saying that some of them, not all of them – got so frustrated they spewed their frustration out of their mouth like hot lava. Teachers labeled me as being careless, comments like “If she put some effort into this she could do it”. I had incidents in 2nd, 4th, and 5th grade where the teacher labeled me as dumb and stupid in front of the class which encouraged negative peer pressure and a deep rooted shame and self loathing. I developed stomachaches, and just a general malaise on a daily basis.

I’m over-thinking this blog post like I over-think most everything in life. Point blank. I am this as amazing woman that has always felt less than. Inadequate. Unwelcome. Unwanted. Misunderstood. But reality is, we all are flawed in some way. Sorry to burst your bubble if you were in denial. Admit it to yourself, at some point you compared the worst you to someone’s highlight reel of themselves whether on social media or church or you name it…you’ve been there and done that. Currently I am dealing with the shame of over-comitment and taking a trip with inadequate clothing and supplies. To a “normal” person (introduce me to one, I challenge you) saying no is simple. To me, I want to be all that and a bag of chips. People that love, care, and respect me are the ones that keep me in check. My husband does so from a man’s perspective…it makes sense but doesn’t ring “diplomatic” enough for my mindset. At this point, I am giving myself permission to say No. Whether or not that is respected by you or the masses or not is no longer on me. I’ve learned to cope with my disappointment in friends, family, the world….for 50 years now…so I’m willing to go for it now.

I love deeply. You probably will never know how deeply I love you, but I do. You may not care to understand me but I can no longer accept that as a flaw of my character, but as a flaw of yours. You better believe, if I told you that I loved you, I certainly did/do.

So begins my story…a story finally being shared in my year of “jubilee”, 50. A story that is usually presented with….”what you see is what you get, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…usually too weak or too strong….based on your ability to accept.” Except now, I no longer beg you to “get” me, but offer you the chance to get out if you are too weak or too strong for me because I no longer need to beg for friends…I cherish the ones that see my value, my worth, that overlook my quirks, that prefer me because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. To be continued…